*Note – these were based on real shit, like the positions of stuff in the sky, and I had a telescope. It was actually a rolled up Heroes poster with some 3D glasses taped to the front, but it worked just fine.
WISTABLE – Dec 17th – Jan 20th – symbol : the surplus box of nougat
Your birth was a distraction to everyone hoping to enjoy the festive season and because of your hubris at trying to overshadow the funnest time of the year with your mewling, gory entrance into the world, you shall be forever punished as card retailers remove birthday cards from their shelves to make way for Christmas cards. You burden your friends by trying to shoehorn your birthday celebrations into an already packed month. Everyone hates you.
FOLIO – January 21st to February 16th – symbol : the corncrake
You are the kind of person that swerves into puddles in order to drench pedestrians. Your joyful mysanthropy belies your deep seated need to be loved and appreciated, despite your lack of talent, charm, good looks or indeed any positive human trait. You start a diary every year but give up after January 8th’s entry which simply says ‘meeting’.
FLAVIVIRUS – Feb 17th – March 11th – symbol : the valet ticket
Oh everything’s just wonderful for you isn’t it? You float through life dating millionaires and porn star millionaires and holidaying on yachts and having dental treatment whenever necessary. Every now and then you toss a bone to humanity in the shape of a Somalian orphanage or a cure for cancer, humbly refusing the plaudits and blushing at the awards you receive for your efforts. But we all know what happened that night at the boathouse. You thought no-one was watching, but they were.
VISA – March 12th – April 18th – symbol – the meerkat
Your existence baffles many. When normal people shake their heads at the popularity of products aimed at the lowest common denominator, they are unaware that as the most prevalent sign, you are controlling the world’s tastes. You like TGI Fridays restaurants. You read Dan Brown books. You buy merchandise which has been developed from television advertising mascots. You spout catchphrases. You are the sole reason that any reality show contestent ever writes their own humorous spoof self-help book. Without you, the world would be a true reflection of the beauty of the human mind and soul.
AIRFIELD – April 19th – May 13th – symbol : the individual portion of low fat spread
You are never going to be the lead in a Broadway musical, and you may as well accept that now before you waste any more time and energy. That Starbucks guy likes you, you know the one at the good Starbucks, not the other Starbucks? His name’s Mark and he likes The Killers. Yeah I know, they’re kind of lame now but the first two albums were okay. And he’s a good guy really. You should date him, go full time at Bed, Bath and Beyond and accept that this is your life now.
HOWL – May 14th – June 22nd, symbol : the cup holder
You are one of the only people who can stop the steady decline of the Earth, its peoples, lands and natural resources. You have known this for some time but had no real way of communicating with others like you. Sign up to some automated twitter horoscope services, buy some keychains, tshirts, “Howls Do It To Save You All” bumper stickers and ask around at parties. Keep a note of MySpace birthday alerts during the Howl period. Unless you meet and devise a strategy, the world will begin to disintegrate in 2015. Good luck.
SUBSCRIPT - June 22nd – July 20th – symbol – ^
Once your powers start to manifest, you will become the arch-nemesis to Howl. After the Great Awakening (June 24th 2015, 2.34pm) you will either ascend to Mah-Karahach as one of the children of G-raThok, or be defeated by the global union of souls which will be achieved if the plan of the Howls is successful. Until then, you may as well sit tight. Really not much you can do.
GHENT - July 21st – August 10th – symbol : the overused candle
Because your birthday fell within the long summer break from school, college and university, you have never had a satisfying birthday party, instead having to sit with a fixed smile as some Portuguese waiter brings over a hastily prepared birthday cake on your summer holiday with your parents while inside, you slowly blacken and die. Consider a relationship with a Wistable, and together you can grow old and adequately content in bitter delirium.
COIL – August 11th – September 16th – symbol : the foreign postage stamp
Once you made an off-the-cuff remark which made a few guys in the office laugh. Then later, in the bar, you found a five on the floor and a pretty girl smiled at you. That was the best day of your life. Oh I’m not saying you won’t have good times, but you will never again feel the sense of achievement, acceptance and self-actualisation you felt on that day. Although it’s technically all downhill from here, try to remember that day fondly, and get through the rest of your life without too much regret that you never smiled back.
RABBIT – September 17th – October 30th – symbol : the rabbit.
You are a rabbit. That’s it. You’re probably now saying “But I’m not a rabbit.” That is a typical rabbit thing to say. Denial of Laporidity is one of only two characteristics associated with this sign, the other being ‘rabbitness’.
JOHN ROBERTSON – October 31st – November 19th – symbol : the pencil
As an arbiter of tastes you will repeatedly find yourself ostracised and ridiculed by the general public until which time that your unique vision will be mass marketed and co-opted by The Man. At this time everyone will see, they’ll finally get it, they will come to realise that you were a pioneer, and in future they will listen to your wisdom, even giving you a column in one of those hipster magazines which don’t even have words on the cover. You will eventually have your own TV show and a film will be made about your life for which you will be credited as screenwriter and win an Oscar. Either that or you’re just a delusional weirdo with a God complex. Depends on whether you’re on the cusp or not, and I’m not going to tell you where that is.
RANGE – November 21st – December 16th – symbol : the pocket handkerchief
You were almost certainly conceived some time around Valentine’s Day and as such you are the living embodiment of hollow promises and store-bought sentimentality which was soon washed away with the March rains, along with any real hope or love that your parents felt for each other. You are a reminder of what can happen when alcohol and loneliness meet head on. Congratulations.
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