Please help BT OpenReach

I don’t normally ask for help here, but yesterday I was almost run over by a van, which is unusual for me.

I was walking to the old town area of Runcorn to get my bus and tried to cross the road at Okell St, opposite the garage. In front of me was an old man, I would guess he was in his seventies. Now, normally my walk to work involves me sniffing the flowers which grow along the walls of the upmarket terraces of Greenway Road, tipping my hat to local bees and butterflies and thinking about my long life with no injuries or physical traumas.

The scene

Yesterday, however, my own mortality was brought into sharp relief when I was almost run over by a BT Openreach van driven by a man who was talking on a hand held mobile phone. The man in his seventies suffered only a gust of air to his tweed coat, and the van missed me by inches, so all was well. However, I felt that driving a van along a major feed road to the Runcorn Bridge and swerving into a street whilst talking on your mobile was just not cricket, especially when I consider how important that phone call must have been in terms of my continued health. Perhaps he was advising the FA on how they might react to racist incidents at the Euro 2012 Championships. Maybe it was a nervous Nick Clegg on the end of the line prior to his appearance at the Leveson Enquiry. We may never know.

I took down the registration number of this potential government advisor and later that day went to the BT Openreach website. I was pleased to find that they had a whole form specifically for reports of dangerous driving by their vans.

Useful

I filled in the form, thinking that the fact that I had the registration number of the van would be a bonus. I imagined that in cases of dangerous driving, it would be hard to see and remember the reg number of vehicles.  (I immediately typed it into my phone, despite the cold finger of the Grim Reaper tapping me on the shoulder.)

However, today I received this reply.

Dear Ms Walker,

Thank you for contacting Openreach. 

I am very sorry if you feel that an Openreach employee has driven inappropriately and/or dangerously.

You have provided vehicle registration number FT54 CYW but unfortunately this registration does not show on any of our records as belonging to an Openreach vehicle.

As you can appreciate there are many Openreach employees, who work in many different departments, driving Openreach cars and vans, in all areas of the UK.

Our drivers are ambassadors for our company, and their behaviour reflects on peoples’ perception of our company therefore we take these issues extremely seriously and I am sorry that we have not been able to find the engineer and van responsible on this occasion. 

Although I am unable to get an apology from the engineer, on behalf of Openreach please accept my apologies that this incident occurred and for any distress this may have caused you.

Should you have any additional queries please email complaints@openreach.co.uk

Thanks and regards

Helen Lockwood
Openreach Complaints Management

 

Now, I do not wish to have anyone sacked for nearly taking my face off, but I find it hard to believe that Openreach are unable to identify the van in question, despite the bustling telecommunications hub that Okell St, Runcorn is at 08.05 on a Wednesday morning. I responded thus.

 

Thanks Helen, I appreciate that it must have been almost impossible to know which drivers in a marked OpenReach van would be going to the BT interchange in Okell St Runcorn at that time on that date. Okell St being a dead end, there must have been a lot of vehicles travelling there and I’m sure that there is no way that there would be a similarly numbered vehicle in that one place at that one time. To be fair, I wasn’t sure about the T in the FT54 CYW. The van was moving quickly and I had almost been run over, so I might not have been in the best position to remember accurately whether it was FT or FP, or FR. 

 

I am going to publish this online in case anyone recognises the van, this might help you to identify the van in question. 

 

 

Thanks

 

Kirsty

If anyone might have seen this van, potentially running them over in Runcorn, please be sure to let me know.

A similar Death Wagon

London 2012 Sexist Store Fail

The Olympics in London in 2012 has already proven itself to be a lucrative venture – many hotels are doubling, tripling, quadrupling their prices as tourist pounds flood in. London 2012 even has its own shop to foist tat upon us, and it really lives up to the Olympic ideals of equality and respect as you can see from the blurbs here.

Boys like computers

Girls like aprons

Check it out ladies!  There are FOUR tea towels to choose from, as well as a shit load of mugs. Seriously, this section is rammed with tea recepticals, because we all know how much women like…erm, well we don’t know what women like. Umbrellas? Magnets? Definitely mugs though. We can’t get enough.

Fuck, that's a nice tea towel

Boys can have towels too though, so in the Gifts For Him section there is more than one DYNAMIC TOWEL

Stop! It's too dynamic!

On International Women’s Day the IOC blogged and said this:

“The Olympic Movement does not have the power to bring gender equality to all aspects of human interaction. But we can use sport to help girls and young women gain the confidence to challenge stereotypes that limit their opportunities in other endeavours.”

I emailed the London 2012 shop to ask why there was such a proiliferance of kitchen wares in the ‘Gifts For Her’ section. There wasn’t a man available to help me so if I fucked it up I apologise in advance.

 

Bad Romance : 50 Ways To Terrify Your Valentine

Guardian columnist Bidisha made a post yesterday about the downside of romanticism. She didn’t quite get her point across after the rant went off course and started talking about the injustice of having a cleaner and not reading Germaine Greer (this is often a problem for her) but I read Guardian articles for the comments, and one of them pointed me towards this gem.

Like a blind date where a handsome man shows up and asks where you stand on spousal battery, this starts off looking like a good idea but then goes rapidly downhill. The whole list is gold, but I have picked my favourites

#3 : Give her a facial massage

This would totally work if the man in question were a qualified masseur, but if he’s not, it’s just some bloke smooshing his calloused fingers into your face until you beg him to stop. I personally have seen far too many Dario Argento films to assume that the ‘hands towards face’ action means anything but eye gouging.

#8 Give her a key with a note that says “You have the key to my heart”

Let’s look at the semiotics behind keys – they open and lock things, they are mysterious objects when encountered out of context of the things they open. Ergo my first thought would be – what does this key actually open? If it’s the back door, it’s not romantic, it’s a key to a portal behind which bins are kept. Key to my heart? More likely it’s the key to your dad’s old Ford Maestro. Plus, a very depressing keepsake to find  after your husband succumbs to angina.

#11. Take a polaroid of yourself holding your breath. Stick it in her lunch or purse with a note that says, “I’m holding my breath till I see you again.”

That sounds like something out of Se7en – as does this

#22. Give her a pocket dictionary – Write “You” as the meaning next to the word “Life”, mark the page and give it to them “Without you, life would have no meaning.”

A nice return present might be a thesaurus where you point out that the word ‘boyfriend’ isn’t synonymous with ‘terrifying stalker’.

#32. Start a journal of your thoughts and present it to your wife.

Consider leaving out entries such as ‘sneaked photo of me holding  my breath into her lunch’ and ‘stole the key to Uncle Maurice’s taxidermy case’.

#31. Give a fish & fish bowl with a note attached that reads, “Out of all the fish in the world I pick you!”

Mangling idioms is not something that would win my heart, neither would being compared to a fish, nor implying that the only choices in the world for physical intimacy were fish, or you.

#39. Write 100 reasons why you love your wife on 100 post-it notes and place them all over the house.

Ostensibly this seems romantic, but have you ever tried to list 100 reasons for ANYTHING? The first ten might be sweet, the first twenty if your beau is particularly good with words, but by number 67 you’d be down to “you make me toast sometimes”, “once when I came in loaded you were already asleep” and “you have eyebrows”. This can be evidenced by number 45 on this very list…

#45. Catch her eyes in a crowd and wink.

Certainly a substitute for that weekend in Paris.

And at the risk of being called a mysanthropic whinger with nothing useful to say – here are some tips from me, an actual woman.

#1 Acknowledge her individuality

Some women might actually enjoy all the creepy attentions above, each to her own. You might have the kind of girl who will laugh her tits off when you gift wrap your asthma inhaler and add a note saying ‘you take my breath away’. But everyone likes to feel that they are unique and special, so try to think of things that she likes and nobody else does, from photo manips of Robert Pattinson with a hedgehog’s body to the Black Eyed Peas.

#2 Listen and look

We share so many details of our specific likes and dislikes on social media that making some ill advised attempts at face massage or presenting her with fish are not necessary. Facebook, twitter, livejournal, amazon – all these will give massive clues to what she actually might find romantic. Or you know, just ask her. Use questions such as “What do you find romantic?”. Things like that.

#3 Stop trying so fucking hard

All of the things on that list are either things you would do anyway, or things which require props, planning and nail-biting suspense. Also, Valentine’s Day seems hell bent on reducing female halves of relationships into inert spectators waiting for things to be ‘done’ to them by the half which doesn’t do those things naturally very well at all.  That ‘surprise’ mentality might also not be popular. Surprises can be unnerving and just lead to people paintballing in cocktail dresses or being turned away from Jamie’s Italian because they’re dressed as Darth Vader. (Both of these have happened to me).

Your New Horoscope

*Note  – these were based on real shit, like the positions of stuff in the sky, and I had a telescope. It was actually a rolled up Heroes poster with some 3D glasses taped to the front, but it worked just fine.

WISTABLE – Dec 17th – Jan 20th – symbol : the surplus box of nougat

Your birth was a distraction to everyone hoping to enjoy the festive season and because of your hubris at trying to overshadow the funnest time of the year with your mewling, gory entrance into the world, you shall be forever punished as card retailers remove birthday cards from their shelves to make way for Christmas cards. You burden your friends by trying to shoehorn your birthday celebrations into an already packed month. Everyone hates you.

FOLIO – January 21st to February 16th – symbol : the corncrake

You are the kind of person that swerves into puddles in order to drench pedestrians. Your joyful mysanthropy belies your deep seated need to be loved and appreciated, despite your lack of talent, charm, good looks or indeed any positive human trait. You start a diary every year but give up after January 8th’s entry which simply says ‘meeting’.

FLAVIVIRUS – Feb 17th – March 11th – symbol : the valet ticket

Oh everything’s just wonderful for you isn’t it? You float through life dating millionaires and porn star millionaires and holidaying on yachts and having dental treatment whenever necessary. Every now and then you toss a bone to humanity in the shape of a Somalian orphanage or a cure for cancer, humbly refusing the plaudits and blushing at the awards you receive for your efforts. But we all know what happened that night at the boathouse. You thought no-one was watching, but they were.

VISA – March 12th – April 18th – symbol – the meerkat

Your existence baffles many. When normal people shake their heads at the popularity of products aimed at the  lowest common denominator, they are unaware that as the most prevalent sign, you are controlling the world’s tastes. You like TGI Fridays restaurants. You read Dan Brown books. You buy merchandise which has been developed from television advertising mascots. You spout catchphrases. You are the sole reason that any reality show contestent ever writes their own humorous spoof self-help book. Without you, the world would be a true reflection of the beauty of the human mind and soul.

AIRFIELD – April 19th – May 13th – symbol : the individual portion of low fat spread

You are never going to be the lead in a Broadway musical, and you may as well accept that now before you waste any more time and energy. That Starbucks guy likes you, you know the one at the good Starbucks, not the other Starbucks? His name’s Mark and he likes The Killers. Yeah I know, they’re kind of lame now but the first two albums were okay. And he’s a good guy really. You should date him, go full time at Bed, Bath and Beyond and accept that this is your life now.

HOWL – May 14th – June 22nd, symbol : the cup holder

You are one of the only people who can stop the steady decline of the Earth, its peoples, lands and natural resources. You have known this for some time but had no real way of communicating with others like you. Sign up to some automated twitter horoscope services, buy some keychains, tshirts, “Howls Do It To Save You All” bumper stickers and ask around at parties. Keep a note of MySpace birthday alerts during the Howl period. Unless you meet and devise a strategy, the world will begin to disintegrate in 2015. Good luck.

SUBSCRIPT - June 22nd – July 20th – symbol – ^

Once your powers start to manifest, you will become the arch-nemesis to Howl. After the Great Awakening (June 24th 2015, 2.34pm) you will either ascend to Mah-Karahach as one of the children of G-raThok, or be defeated by the global union of souls which will be achieved if the plan of the Howls is successful. Until then, you may as well sit tight. Really not much you can do.

GHENT -  July 21st – August 10th – symbol : the overused candle

Because your birthday fell within the long summer break from school, college and university, you have never had a satisfying birthday party, instead having to sit with a fixed smile as some Portuguese waiter brings over a hastily prepared birthday cake on your summer holiday with your parents while inside, you slowly blacken and die. Consider a relationship with a Wistable, and together you can grow old and adequately content in bitter delirium.

COIL – August 11th – September 16th – symbol : the foreign postage stamp

Once you made an off-the-cuff remark which made a few guys in the office laugh. Then later, in the bar, you found a five on the floor and a pretty girl smiled at you. That was the best day of your life.  Oh I’m not saying you won’t have good times, but you will never again feel the sense of achievement, acceptance and self-actualisation you felt on that day. Although it’s technically all downhill from here, try to remember that day fondly, and get through the rest of your life without too much regret that you never smiled back.

RABBIT – September 17th – October 30th – symbol : the rabbit.

You are a rabbit. That’s it. You’re probably now saying “But I’m not a rabbit.” That is a typical rabbit thing to say. Denial of Laporidity is one of only two characteristics associated with this sign, the other being ‘rabbitness’.

JOHN ROBERTSON – October 31st – November 19th – symbol : the pencil

As an arbiter of tastes you will repeatedly find yourself ostracised and ridiculed by the general public until which time that your unique vision will be mass marketed and co-opted by The Man. At this time everyone will see, they’ll finally get it, they will come to realise that you were a pioneer, and in future they will listen to your wisdom, even giving you a column in one of those hipster magazines which don’t even have words on the cover. You will eventually have your own TV show and a film will be made about your life for which you will be credited as screenwriter and win an Oscar. Either that or you’re just a delusional weirdo with a God complex. Depends on whether you’re on the cusp or not, and I’m not going to tell you where that is.

RANGE – November 21st – December 16th – symbol : the pocket handkerchief

You were almost certainly conceived some time around Valentine’s Day and as such you are the living embodiment of hollow promises and store-bought sentimentality which was soon washed away with the March rains, along with any real hope or love that your parents felt for each other. You are a reminder of what can happen when alcohol and loneliness meet head on. Congratulations.

Children In Need – Worth Your Money

High school kids working with HAM

Children In Need changed my life. I wasn’t a child who benefitted from their funds, I was a project manager with a team of dedicated people who had risked their livelihoods to become members of the Third Sector, where no-one had a permanent job and everyone was working for the goodof people worse off than themselves.

I’m no saint – I applied for a job at a community media group because it was a job I saw as easy. I had no idea. I got  a job as manager of Halton Access to Media. The organisation aimed to help all people in the deprived ward of Halton to increase their skills and self-esteem through radio and film making.  I’m sure some people will see that as wishy-washy so let me give you some real examples.

Amy (19) was severely disabled and would rarely speak, even to only one person. After working with our project she actually presented her own live radio show which went out to over 10,000 people and learned skills such as money management and form filling. Her life was transformed.

Martin (23) was intelligent but had limited social skills. He had never had a job since leaving school at 16 because he found it difficult to relate to people. During our course he tapped in to a creative writing streak and ended up getting his first ever job. Now he’s engaged and starting his own family.

Those are just two examples of dozens of young people who benefitted from our Children In Need funded project. The great thing about CIN is that they really understand children and young people and what benefits them. They know that self-esteem and fun are at the heart of everything which really enriches their lives. Young carers, disabled young people, children in care, autistic, excluded and vulnerable children who had been abandoned by everyone else, they grew in personality, skills and confidence and were able to have at least an hour a week where they could express themselves, laugh and learn.

After working at Halton Access to Media I realised how rewarding it can be to work with young people. I had previously been rather self-absorbed, as the media industry sometimes required. Suddenly I cared more about the future of the young people and children I worked with than my own. It felt so good that I trained as a teacher and now I work with young people full time. I would never have considered doing this if it weren’t for Children In Need, so please – give them a pound and know that you have made a huge difference in their lives.

I will try to itemise this for you -

£2 will pay for a young person to use public transport to get to a project that might be the best thing that happens to them that week.

£7 will pay an hour’s wages for a youth worker

£10 will pay for lunch for 5 young people attending a project. It might seem like nothing, but some are so poor they will come just for the food, and get the training and self-esteem boost incidentally.

Children In Need money goes towards the dreams and aspirations of our children and young people. They fund unpopular projects which actually make a difference. If it weren’t for them I would probably still be working for my own benefit instead of working with young people to support and help them. Our young people are our future, and it is still our job to protect and help them. Please give to Children In Need tonight.

DONATE WHATEVER YOU CAN – CLICK HERE

 

 

 

 

Girls Tshirt Slogan vs Boys Tshirt Slogan

  

 

 

 

All these shirts are for sale now in UK clothes stores and are categorised under ‘boy’ or ‘girl’. See if you can guess which is which.

Top 10 Twirritants

 

The bit.ly Link of Mystery

Unless you’re the Riddler, don’t just tweet a random link with no indication of where it might go to. It suggests a level of trust which you might not deserve from your followers, and most people won’t risk it. If it leads to your own site it implies that you’re not confident enough that people will follow the link once they know it’s your content.

The Numerator

So? You could have spent that valuable tweet giving us some reason to follow you, or #FF you. Instead you pounded your fists on the floor like a toddler and demanded MORE even though you have demonstrated nothing to deserve it. Here’s a tip – be interesting, be funny, provoke thought, be helpful, be nice. Then you’ll get more followers.

I Know What You Did Last Twitter Update

Translation : I’m not quite confident enough that my tweets will make you want to follow me, so I’m instigating a campaign of fear and social awkwardness. No-one will ever unfollow me again! And I just mistook twitter for some kind of universal judgement on my character and worth as a human being.

Hey….HEY!!!…Hey!! LOVE ME!!!!!!

Excuse me, I think you dropped this self-respect on the floor.

The Tweeter of Many Faces

That’s cool, but you might not want to change your background, userpic and loca – -oh wait, you’ve changed everything and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHO YOU ARE!

The Boy In The Bubble

This is a tweeter who doesn’t think that anyone is as dumb as him. There are 3 people who are, the ones who re-tweeted him. Twitter is not the place to ask why things are trending. This question is like putting your hand in a fire. Once you do it, you don’t do it again. Unfortunately some people never learn..

Is your feed full yet?

Yeah thanks for that. Ever heard of staggering? I follow less than 500,000 people, so you’re kind of clogging my feed there…

I love Democracy!

I know that sometimes you don’t know an app is doing this until all your followers disappear but a general rule of thumb is – if they ask for your twitter name, they will spam all over its face with this stuff. If you’re happy with that then maybe Twitter isn’t for you. Because we will burn you.

I used to love Dawson’s Creek…

Translation : Everyone, stop what you’re doing and tell me how much you can’t live without me!! Anyone??  I’m serious, you know….

Oh great, THIS guy again…

Why don’t you just fuck off Pepys, you emo bastard. The Pity Party supplies store is closed.

*Disclaimer : I may have done one, more or all of these, repeatedly.